I’ve been thinking a lot about death recently. I know its morbid but I haven’t been thinking about dying or anything. just the idea of death. and why people fear it. DO people fear dying or being dead? Personally, However I die was meant to be. so what. I’m more afraid of being dead. I had this conversation with someone today and it really got me thinking. I wonder about it a lot. Its almost strange, all my grandparents (save 1) have passed and I only have very early childhood memories with them. and its saddening the think that those memories are all I have to hold on to. I can’t make new ones. It also bothers me that my little brother has no memories with any of our grandparents save my grandmother who is (thankfully) still with us. I think he takes the idea of losing someone for granted. I want him to realize how precious she is. and I want him to make memories with her. I believe in an afterlife. however, I don’t think my brother does. I don’t really know what he does or doesn’t believe in. but I guess thats something I can’t make a decision about. I can’t just one day say, “Wow, I think the world is flat.” And make it so.
Actually, there’s lots of things that I don’t believe in that other people seem to take for granted. Countries, for example. I think it’s entirely a silly construct we’ve put in place to separate ourselves from other human beings. It’s pretty sad in my estimation. But lots of things are sad. Its the happy things we have to hold on to. If I constantly focused on the thinks that are sad, why…what kind of life would that be?
Other things I don’t believe in are gas prices. Capitalism. The healthy menu at McDonalds. Every television commercial. Politicians. Songs that say I will love you always. That handguns are for anything other than killing people. That terrorists are the number one enemy of humans everywhere. (actually, I think the number one enemy of humans everywhere is greed, in all its many forms) And well, the list goes on and on and on.
But I do believe in some things. I believe in joy. And family. If you don’t have a family that you can love, and lots of you don’t, I know that, I hope some day you do. Because my sister and my little brother and my dad, and yes, even my errant, tough-to-connect-with Mother, all of them do allow me to feel like I have some place to call home. Even if I feel as if I don’t belong here.
I do believe in love. Although, I understand it’s always changing. And people are always changing. And sometimes you have to hold onto it with both hands and no matter how hard your grip, sometimes it still slips away.
I believe in art. And I believe that getting up in the morning and deciding what to wear is an artistic decision and that every person is an artist. Every thing we say and do, the way we walk and talk, what we drive, what we believe, that is all God’s art put in a person, given the choice to do with it what you will.
I believe in death. I don’t want to. I hate the idea of it. But it’s the spice that makes the food taste fabulous. Because each bite draws me closer to the end. And when the dish is finished, well, hopefully, I’ll be full. Hopefully…And there’s that little word again. Hope. It’s gonna be the death of me.
but with out it, What do I have to live for?