“I love myself when I’m laughing and then again when I’m mean and impressive.”- Zora Neale Hurston

So you know that feeling when someone is so highly recommending something that your expectations are way up there, but then, when you experience it yourself, you just don’t get it? This happens to me all the time with movies, to the point that I’d rather not go see something my friends have been really excited about, because inevitably it can’t live up to the hype.

The worst for me, though, is when it happpens with books. Because I LOVE to read—who doesn’t, right?—and there’s nothing better than someone saying, “Oh, I just read the best book, you’re going to love it!” and being so pumped, and then starting the book and….not really liking it. Or maybe not getting it. Which leads to the inevitable moment when you start thinking, maybe it’s me. Maybe, I’m not intellectual enough to get this book. Maybe, it’s just too deep. (Maybe, you don’t think these things. Maybe, it’s just me.) This happened to me this week, with The Perks of Being a Wallflower. My friends LOVE this book, and Its a fairly short book, but I really just couldn’t get into it. I wonder if I’d read it knowing nothing at all about it, I would have thought, wow, this book is really interesting and different and cool. But now, I’ll never know. Oh, well.

I called Wendy (the Director of Childrens Ministry at FUM) and told her what was happening with North Acres, and requested this wednesday off. Im going to miss my kids, but i feel like it’s important to be at NA on wednesday..more for the church family than for myself. North Acres is going to have a rough time for the next few months, so say a prayer for us?

It was gorgeoushere today, the kind of day that makes you forget that only YESTERDAY it was cold and sleeting. Seems impossible. Ah, the life.

Today, I’ve been thinking about gratitude. I feel that its always my job, in any bad situation, to be the peppy one. The Optimistic. I’m naturally this way, so I don’t have to fight to be cheerful. I’m the person that my friends cry to, and I’m the person that people come to for advice. It’s amazing how strong you can be, though, when you have to be. When there is no option to fall apart and Let Someone Else Handle It. I wish I was always able to rise to the occasion the way I did in june when my mom was arrested. But I think I reacted that way because there was NO ONE ELSE to take care of things. My dad wasn’t in the picture to take over the house hold bills, or to take care of my brother. It fell on me. “Everything’s going to be ok, Tyler. We’re going to be fine.”

Now, I’m going to complain. No matter what I seem to do for the family, and no matter how far out of my way I go to keep things like they were, someone finds a problem with it. My sister, my dad, my grandmother. NO ONE can just look at me and say, “Thank you for taking care of everything. Thank you for being here.” I sat today for over an hour and just looked out the window and thought about all thats happened in the past 8 months since my mom was arrested. My brother started his Sophomore year of high school, I started college, I got engaged, I became single again, Tyler turned 16 (whoa), I turned 19, I left North Acres, I moved into an apartment, I’ve worked 4 different jobs in 8 months..(ha ha), and I’ve probably slept more than anything. I still feel like I’m bumbling around, just trying to get through the day. Just trying to get through. Today my Grandmother called me and told me that my step dad, who was arrested along with my mother, has been moved to a hospital, and they dont think he’s going to make it. She was upset, I was upset, but at that moment, she took a breath, and said, “thank you alicia, for being here through all of this. I know it’s been hard.” That moment, more than anything, I was glad I was there. Despite all of the bad and all of the stressful, I was glad for that phone call. So glad.

Things can be hard and scary, but you find a way to get through them, especially when you have no other choice. This is just part of living, I guess. As is realizing that you learn from everything, especially the stuff that scares you the most. Because you have no other choice there, either.

But, nevertheless, that moment today isn’t going to change the simple fact that I am just over it. I need a change of scenery. I need to get away. 42 days until I leave for france.