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i’m so fickle..

I said in my last blog that I’ve been questioning Who I Am lately. I’ve recently felt like a see-saw, constantly moving one way or another, between two different extreme personalities. The Bad Alicia: skipping class, drinking, cursing, smoking….VS. The Good Alicia: christian, girlfriend, volunteer, writer, friend.

I keep questioning what I’m doing and why I’m doing it. WHY do I teach a kids class on wednesday nights at church?..Because I believe in God, I’m a Christian, and I want to share it? or am I just doing to because I love kids and I want to teach? Is my faith as strong as I think it is? What would happen if something tragic happened to me? Would I blame God? DO I BLAME GOD FOR MY MOM BEING IN PRISON?

And then when I start thinking about that quality, the volunteer-teacher-at-church-quality, I start to think about the qualities of The Bad Alicia. How can I teach these kids at church and then drink with my friends? I mean, it’s not like I party every weekend or anything, and I’m pretty sure there isn’t another commandment “Thou shall not drink or get drunk”…I enjoy that time with my friends, but then I’m always, CONSTANTLY in the back of my mind saying, “This has got to be wrong…I’m such a bad person”…but am I?

I hate to say it, but I feel like I’m going through a rebelling stage. but then again, I feel like I’ve been “rebelling” or trying to, for the past 5 years..so is it really rebelling? Or is it Who I Am? and If it’s Who I Am, then why am I constantly questioning it? Does everyone else question this as well? or am I the only one?

If someone asked me, “Alicia, Who Are You?” I’d probably answer that I’m still finding out. All I know for sure is that I want to be a part of everything that’s fun and good and true and real. I’m in-between right now. I’m Almost Alicia…but then I’m wondering, is Almost Alicia who I’ll ALWAYS be?


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